Let it

Let it go for now.  Let it go, for good.

For you're forbidden and final. Without your  touch, with my touch. Never again. Actually, there never was.  

Let it go. Let it go for good. 

For someone as old as me not knowing what the feeling of spooning is, a pressing of your mouth against the back of my neck and inhaling, holding my smaller hand with your larger one,  across my stomach...it is devastating.  

Let it go. Come on, just anything. Let me finally feel this emptiness.  

Teenage feels

Usually all it takes is one glance.

You feel thrilled, sensing that zapping between you, that sizzling, yet shockingly cold ...energy. It confuses your senses, it confuses your whole being so much so, you  have to bite your lips to stop trembling. Even when you're not feeling trembling at all.

You feel your dark hero.

For me, it was a deep line between his eyebrows arched over his big eyes. 

His never tired and always shining gaze that sees so much.

Eyes that  have always reminded me of a dark, bitter chocolate.

Should I thank him now that I'm finally feeling again? Maybe I should, for I cheated myself for so long that I don't even know how to look at anyone anymore.

Now I have my dark knight to look at.

I want his strength to melt my bones. I wish his emotions to be so strong to wipe out every single cell of my history. I want his kisses to bite out the taste of every kiss before his.

A soul mate of my darkness. My love. I'll feel hollow without him. 

 

Infinity

I count my steps recounting this cold November day. I’m hearing silence stronger than ever.  I hear each and every rustle of leafs still hanging in the trees above me.  And begging God to stop my wanting, suffocating, dreaming, crying …over you. Last night I dreamed of you walking with my hand in yours, your glances... I still remember feeling suffocation, fear, palpitation of my heart and your silent strength. Still, I loved each feeling you had evoked in me.

And now, now all it took to start crying over us is one single flower and feel ...the infinity tears. And feel infinity scarf around my neck, warming my cold cheeks, sipping my tears like a tea, warming my thin lips.
Infinity scarf that once used to make me panic, while trying to catch breath and while you silently calmed me down with ‘shhhh’ and ‘it’s okay’ and ‘I got you’ and looking at me like a good doctor, like a priest, like the devil while your deft fingers untangled my hair from it and enabling my breathing, inhaling me, kissing my neck.

My hero, my knight, my friend…it took infinity to get a single flower.